When Loving Your Job Still Isn’t Enough

How do you balance working full-time and being a full-time mom?

Some days, like today, make me wish I could afford to quit and stay home with my kids. Or at the very least, work part-time during naps and after bedtime. It’s not that I don’t love my job—I do. I worked my ass off to get here. It took me ten years after high school to earn my master’s. I’m a CPA with six figures in student loan debt. I’ve spent eleven years at my company to earn the position I have today.

I’m a team lead. The days fly by. I’m always busy—maybe too busy.

Lately, though, I feel like I’m failing at it. Like I’m not the right fit. I find myself wanting to bury my head in the sand and focus only on what I’m great at, not on trying to be someone I’m not. I know I’m valuable—I have a unique skill set. There are things I can do that others can’t. The partner over my department recently told me I have nothing to worry about. That she’d never want to lose me. In fact, she’d love to free up more of my time because there’s even more she’d like to give me.

It made me feel proud. And it made me feel crushed.

I’m an asset in a job I love. I have job security. I work hybrid. I get to be home sometimes. I should feel lucky.

But instead? It feels awful.

Because all I really want… is to be home with my kids.

I want to stop rushing through life. I want to have the energy to clean the house, keep it organized, actually sit and play with my kids, help at school events, be present at breakfast and dinner—not just physically, but mentally.

And it makes me question everything.

Today, my boss called and asked if I could take on a project—something I want to do. But it means less time at home, more time in the office. More mental load. More imbalance.

It’s moments like this that make me question my life choices. That make me wonder if the version of success I’ve been chasing all these years is still the one I want.